


Not Kissed

by eledhwenlin



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-19
Updated: 2011-07-19
Packaged: 2017-10-22 11:26:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/237539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eledhwenlin/pseuds/eledhwenlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon didn't figure their first kiss would go like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Kissed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [omens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/omens/gifts).



> Written for the prompt _Brendon/Spencer, accidental kiss_ at Turps' kissing meme. Originally posted [here](http://turps33.livejournal.com/1114666.html?thread=19972650#t20458026). Unbetaed.
> 
> Podfic read by knight_tracer can be found [here](http://knight-tracer.livejournal.com/20422.html).

The thing is, Brendon doesn't plan it. It's not planned at all, which is so not like how Brendon saw this going down. Ever. Brendon has, okay, he's thought _a lot_ about this, how it could happen. In his mind, there's always this moment when something changes. Something magical and big, and then Spencer would be looking at Brendon and see and Brendon would be looking at Spencer, too, and let him see, and then they both would move and then they'd kiss. Or Spencer would let Brendon see, would let Brendon catch him checking Brendon out. Or something.

The point is there should be something. A huge big moment when everything changes. Not ... this, whatever this is. This is Brendon standing in the kitchen area, angling for a cup, and Spencer coming up behind Brendon quiet like a mouse. Spencer's reaching for the Poptarts, and then they're both turning and suddenly, somehow, Brendon's lips brush Spencer's mouth and his cheek. It doesn't even register at first, but then Ian whoops and Dallon catcalls. Spencer laughs nervously, and Brendon finds himself giggling.

"Morning, sweetiepea," Spencer says, "do you want a Poptart?"

"Yeah," Brendon says and that's it. They finish getting breakfast and then they watch Zoolander for what is probably the thousandth time and everything goes back to normal. For Spencer, at least because he behaves normally and seems to actually forget about it entirely.

Brendon wishes he could do that, but ... he can't stop thinking about it. It's just--that was their first kiss and it was an accident and nothing came of it and Brendon's really fucking disappointed. He's trying not to let it show. He doesn't think he's particularly successful at it.

The next hotel night Brendon ends up with Spencer. That would be clue 1 because Brendon is sure it's Ian's turn. He puts his bag on the hotel bed next to the window. "First shower," he says, tries to make a joke of it, but Brendon doesn't want to be alone in a room with Spencer right now. He's afraid everything would just come spilling out of him if Spencer looks at him the right way.

"Okay," Spencer says. "Ian mentioned this awesome bar he knows nearby, wanna come with later?"

Ian didn't mention that bar to Brendon. Even though Brendon had talked to Ian about going out later, and Ian had made vague noises about maybe staying in that night. It doesn't make Brendon feel any better.

"No, I guess I'll have an early night." Brendon fakes a smile. "I want to take advantage of having an actual bed with a frame for once."

"Sure," Spencer says. He seems a bit subdued.

"Hey, do you want to have first shower then?"

Spencer contemplates that. "If you don't mind." He's not looking at Brendon, and Brendon wants to kick himself. And Spencer. It's not Spencer's fault, but he's this weird kind of upset with Spencer for fucking up all of Brendon's perfect fantasies.

"No, just go ahead."

Spencer nods tersely. When he's closed the bathroom door behind himself, Brendon collapses on the bed and groans. For something that's technically something, their "kiss" has fucked them up good. Brendon thinks he just needs to get a grip on himself. He needs to put his head back on straight and move the fuck on. It obviously didn't mean anything to anyone but Brendon, so he should just let go. Yep. He's getting on that first thing after Spencer's gone.

By the time Spencer's finished Brendon's fallen asleep on his bed. He wakes up slowly to Spencer carefully shaking him. "Hey, I'm going," Spencer says. "If anything, if you, I have my cell phone with me, okay?"

Brendon nods. "Sure, but I'm fine," he says.

"Yeah." Spencer doesn't look like he's believing Brendon one bit. "I'll see you later."

"Later," Brendon says. The hotel room seems strangely empty after Spencer's gone. Right, moving on now.

Brendon makes full use of a bathroom all to himself. But even the hour he spends in there doesn't make him feel any better. When he comes out, he's still alone in the room. Brendon leans against the wall next to the bathroom door and sighs. He doesn't want to make a thing of "it". He doesn't want everyone to give him a wide berth, to make Zack and Spencer and everyone worry. It's stupid to be sad for something that kind of didn't happen at all. It's really fucking stupid to be sad that not one of his fantasies will ever become real. It's not like that's news--Brendon is and was aware that Spencer doesn't think of Brendon like that. Brendon would've noticed if that was the case. What he thinks he's seen in sideways glances and stuff is just what Brendon wants to see.

Brendon crawls into bed just because. He doesn't want to get dressed up and join his friends at the bar. He doesn't want to sit there and smile and try not to be awkward and weird. Awkward and weird currently seems to be Brendon's default setting. He curls up on himself and wills himself to sleep. He doesn't want to think about any of this anymore.

He's pretty tired, but he's also wide awake, and sleep won't come. He can't stop thinking of the million situations he planned out in his mind. Like, there's never going to be a passionate on-stage first kiss. As far as Brendon's fantasies go, that one was pretty far-fetched, but it was fun. Spencer's also never going to grab Brendon around his hips after they've come back surfing, throw him on their beach towel and wrestle. He's never going to end up on top of Brendon and pause, looking at Brendon's lips. He's never going to lean in and kiss Brendon for the first time like that.

It just hurts more than it should.

When Spencer comes back, Brendon's still awake. He doesn't speak up, though. Spencer slips into the bathroom and Brendon can dimly make out the noises of his nightly routine.

Brendon turns his face into the pillow. He's still stupid and still sad and he can't stop. He wills himself to sleep, but it's never that easy.

Spencer closes the bathroom door quietly, but when he stands between their beds, he stops. "Brendon?" His voice is gentle and quiet, and he doesn't sound one bit drunk, which is weird since he just spent like three hours in a bar.

Brendon's really, really silent. He doesn't see the flaw in his plan until Spencer sits down on the edge of his bed and sighs loudly. "You mumble in your sleep," Spencer says. "And you snore every once in a while and sometimes you grunt and you're fidgeting even in your sleep. B, I know you're awake because you're only ever this quiet on purpose."

Brendon's torn between laughing and crying. He really doesn't want to talk to Spencer right now. Thankfully Spencer seems comfortable to take over the talking part.

"Everything all right?" Spencer's got this carefully neutral and soft tone, the one he always used with Ryan, and Brendon doesn't want to be like Ryan.

"Yeah," Brendon forces himself to say. "Everything's good." He tries to tell Spencer telepathetically to let it go. Spencer doesn't seem to respond to telepathy, though.

"Because you've been weird recently. Withdrawn." Spencer rubs Brendon's arm. "You know you can come and talk to me at any time, right?"

Brendon nods, not caring whether Spencer can see him in the dark.

Spencer sighs really loudly. "Brendon, I--" Then he sighs again and crawls under the covers. Brendon's covers.

"What?" Brendon is surprised enough that he makes space for Spencer. "I thought the bed-sharing stopped, when we could afford big enough hotel rooms."

"Bed-sharing is always on when one of us is being stupid," Spencer tells him. He wraps his arm around Brendon's middle, pulls him close and settles down. "And now spill."

"What happened to _you can come talk to me at any time_? Maybe now's not the time."

Spencer snorts. His breath is brushing Brendon's nape and Brendon can't suppress a shiver. "That was me telling you subtly to open up. Since it didn't work, I'll have to force you to talk to me."

"That's not good for my mental health," Brendon tries hesitantly. "I could get a trauma and never talk again."

"You know what's not good for my mental health?" Spencer leans up on one elbow and towers over Brendon. "When the other half of my band suddenly is acting out. Doesn't talk to me or our so-called temporary tour musicians or our bodyguard. Because then I have to think about what happened when my former two band members stopped talking to me."

"I'm not leaving," Brendon says.

"Then what's going on?" Spencer sounds honestly confused and that hurts, and Brendon hates himself because it hurts. Spencer's confused because according to him nothing happened. And Brendon's driving himself crazy and he's fucking everything up over something that Spencer probably can't even remember.

"Nothing," Brendon says quietly. "Just tired."

"Brendon ..." Spencer sinks back against the pillows. He's quiet for long enough that Brendon thinks he's fallen asleep. He's still holding on to Brendon, though, his fingers warm against Brendon's belly. Brendon closes his eyes. It feels much too intimate, even for his best friend, and he wonders whether he shouldn't have worn a shirt to bed. Spencer's fingers are relaxed and Brendon can't stop himself from reaching out and gently wrapping his hand around Spencer's fingers, mimicking holding hands. Spencer tightens his fingers, pulling Brendon tightly against himself, and it feels good. It feels so fucking good.

Right until Spencer speaks up and Brendon realises he's awake. "B?"

Brendon swallows heavily. Spencer's holding on to him firmly, so Brendon would have to use force to break free. But it's Spencer and Brendon doesn't want to. Suddenly he feels exhausted and does what he really didn't want to do--he talks.

"Did you ever," Brendon starts, only he has to swallow several times before he can continue, "have you ever considered that we, well, the two of us, that we could ... be something different?"

"Brendon," Spencer whispers quietly.

"It's not, I don't, I didn't want it to be awkward," Brendon says. "It's just. Weird. Now that it's happened and it didn't go the way I thought it would and now that's done and over with and nothing will ever be like I imagined it and ... it sucks."

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Spencer switches on the bedside lamp and he turns Brendon onto his back. Brendon can feel himself blushing, as he finds himself face to face with a wry smiling Spencer. "What happened?"

"Well," Brendon starts. "We, uh, kissed and--"

"When?" Spencer looks startled. "'Cause I'd've remembered that."

"Last week," Brendon says, "you know when--"

Spencer puts his hand over Brendon's mouth. "That wasn't a kiss," he says. "That was us stumbling around half-awake in the kitchen."

It feels like a blow to Brendon. "Yeah," he says. He tries to turn around again, away from Spencer.

"Hey." Spencer doesn't let Brendon move. Spencer looks serious now. "Brendon ... that was a kiss for you?"

Brendon's never felt this humiliated before, he's sure. Not even when Tommy Johnson stuffed him into his locker or when the quarterback made Brendon stumble and drop his lunch all over his white shirt. "No," he says. "It wasn't." It's safer to go with what Spencer thinks.

"Bren," Spencer says quietly. He's quiet for a moment, and Brendon feels his stomach twist anxiously. He feels bared, laid out in the open, and he can't read Spencer at all. What Spencer does next, surprises him.

Spencer leans in, slowly and carefully, and then he gently brushes his lips against Brendon's. The movement is deliberate and precise, and it's painfully sweet. Spencer doesn't push for anything more, but he lets the moment drag on. When he straightens up again, he's smiling.

"What was that?" Brendon hardly recognises his own voice, so small and quiet.

"That," Spencer says, "was our first kiss."

"But-"

Spencer presses his index finger against Brendon's lips. "Accidental kisses don't count," he says. "We get to choose what our first kiss is."

"So now you think it was a kiss, too," is probably not the best response to that, but it's what Brendon says.

Spencer sighs, but he's still grinning. "I know when it's better to cater to your delusions."

"Hey!" Brendon pouts, but it's difficult, because _Spencer kissed him_. Entirely on purpose. Brendon has to adjust his worldview a little.

"And, yes, by the way."

"Yes, what?" Brendon has no idea what Spencer's currently agreeing with.

"I've thought about us." Spencer looks at Brendon's cover.

"Oh." Brendon swallows heavily. "So ..."

Spencer nods. "Yep."

"Okay." Brendon's usually a much better conversationalist, but his mind is currently blown away. It's hard to think when he can still feel the ghost of Spencer's lips on his own.

"I guess I should go to bed then," Spencer says, but he's grinning. "Unless, you know, our kiss was void."

"Void," Brendon repeats.

"Yes, void." Spencer nods. "Because you were unprepared. A first kiss only counts when both parties are fully aware and participating."

"Is that so." Brendon finds himself grinning. "In that case, you surprised me. By the time I was ready to participate, it was already over."

"It doesn't count then."

Brendon reaches for Spencer, and Spencer lets Brendon pull him down. "Hi," he says when he's lying next to Brendon.

"Hi," Brendon says.

"Ready to go?" Spencer asks with his eyes twinkling.

Brendon giggles. "Always."

This kiss doesn't stay superficial and sweet. It's hot and dirty. Brendon's kissing Spencer with all he's got, and Spencer gives as good as he can take. Spencer's put his hand on Brendon's neck, fingers slowly stroking the sensitive skin behind Brendon's ear. Brendon's grabbing Spencer's hair with both hands, keeping him close to Brendon.

By the time they have to break for air, they're both panting and Brendon's so hard he can't stop squirming.

"Fuck," Spencer says, as he drops his head and touches his forehead to Brendon's. "Fuck."

"That kiss counts, right?" Brendon can't stop himself from asking.

"It's kind of hard to ignore it, so yeah."

Brendon has to giggle at _hard_.

"Wow, you've never really grown up," Spencer says, but he's grinning, too.

"That was one awesome first kiss," Brendon says. "Thank you."

Spencer keeps grinning. "You know what's good, too?"

Brendon shakes his head.

Spencer whispers into Brendon's ear. "Second kisses."

Brendon laughs and when Spencer comes in for the next kiss, he willingly opens up. It turns out that second kisses are awesome, too. As are third kisses. And fourth and fifth ones. Brendon thinks it might be more a Spencer kisses are awesome thing, but he doesn't mind.

"That better than what you imagined?" Spencer asks later when their mouths are swollen and they're lying side by side, still hard and aroused like hell.

"What?"

Spencer laughs. "You said you'd imagined how it would go. How did I do?"

"That is the most stupid question," Brendon says. He pulls himself up and lies down on top of Spencer. Their erections brush and Brendon can't help himself, he thrusts once against Spencer. "You fucking blew the curve," Brendon tells him.

"I'm glad," Spencer says between pants. His hands are firmly on Brendon's hips, keeping him in place. "That I didn't disappoint you."

"And now?"

Spencer grins. "We'll figure it out." He flips them over, and Brendon giggles. And then they do figure it out.


End file.
